Worst Movies of 2009

The 7 WORST FILMS of 2009

7. A group of friends tried to convince me that Angels and Demons wasn't that bad. To a certain extent, they were right. While Ron Howard's sequel to The Da Vinci Code is filled with uninteresting characters, it was at least mildly amusing. But, still, I can't get over the flatness of the entire experience. Tom Hanks looks bored. If the actor doesn't even care about the movie, why should I?

6. I had similar problems with Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes, which is not only a convoluted mess, but also one of the dullest films of the year. For starters, the film's titular character was woefully miscast. Robert Downey Jr's accent as the great Holmes is incoherent, and, much like Tom Hanks in Angels and Demons, Downey looks bored in the role. Where was the spark? Downey was not aided by the dreadful screenplay full of forced wit and implausible plot twists. Charmless.

5. Over the past few years, quirky characters and situations have become a staple of independent film. Many critics have accused this summer's 500 Days of Summer of being too quirky, but, for my money, the most gratingly quirky film of the year was Gigantic, a movie almost no one saw and a movie I wish I hadn't seen. Not only does this film waste the talents of Paul Dano, Zooey Deschanel, and John Goodman, it also fills every frame with tacky detail and cliches. A pathetic, pretentious waste of time.

4. When Monsters vs. Aliens opened in late March, many praised it for its 3D gimmicks and cute characters. Unfortunately, these people failed to realize the film's weak characterizations, empty story, and unimaginative jokes. To me, the film stands out as one of the shallowest films of the year. A vapid mess.


3. Sandra Bullock's good, if overpraised performance, does it best to save The Blind Side from being a complete train wreck, but, unfortunately, the film falters due to its lack of tension, sitcom characters and condescending attitude towards its subject, an overweight, impoverished, African-American teenager. A pandering, insulting snooze.

2. The Proposal, the next film on my list, also stars Sandra Bullock, except this time her performance damages an already terrible film. The Proposal gives into every romantic comedy cliche in the book. Clueless to its own mediocrity, the film traps Bullock and co-star Ryan Reynolds in a vat of generic plotting and unfunny dialogue. Fail.

1. If you know anything about my film taste, or if you have been following this blog since July, you should already know my choice for the worst film of the year. It is, of course, Michael Bay's Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The fact that this movie exists is an insult to the pioneers of cinema, every great director of the past and present, and to the American public. I could go on about the confusing action sequences, the lame attempts at humor, and the film's blatantly sexist view, but I don't want to spend another minute on this sad excuse for filmmaking. So, I'll leave Hollywood with one word of advice - find every print, DVD, and Blu Ray disk of this ungodly piece of swill and destroy them.

Well, that's it, folks! My worst of 2009. Expect my Top Ten list and other end of the year features in the coming weeks.

"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" Review

PLEASE NOTE THAT I AM BEING SARCASTIC IN MY REVIEW OF "TRANSFORMERS REVENGE OF THE FALLEN." I DO NOT SUPPORT SEXIST VIEWS OR RACIAL STEREOTYPES.

1 star out of 5 / D

“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” arguably the best film of the year, manages to be not only a simple story told at an epic length, but also a wonderfully shallow comedy that pokes fun at those crazy teens and their wacky hi-jinks.

The story, brilliantly elongated by explosions – ranging from big to really really big, continues the adventures of Sam Witwicky (Shia Labeouf) as he goes off to college. Meanwhile, those darn Decepticons – a team of transforming robots who are at war with the good Autobot robots – are up to their dastardly deeds again, this time aided by an evil robot with one heck of a grudge. His name – the Fallen. But those screenwriters (Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman, and Ehren Kruger) are clever enough to keep the details on the down low. Instead of letting exposition slowly ooze out as the story continues – a rather tired approach – they realize that it is better to give the audience all of the information in one scene. Oh, and they make sure it is conveyed really quick. No dilly-dallying with plot detail. Those who care about the plot can try to piece together all the fragments of exposition. Meanwhile, the smarter audience members can enjoy the explosions and robot fighting.

And, boy, aren’t those explosions exciting?! Director Michael Bay (“Transformers,” “Bad Boys 2,” “Pearl Harbor, and “Meat Loaf: Bat Out of Hell II”) creates some of the most memorable action sequences in years. Bay, unlike many Hollywood hacks (i.e. Steven Spielberg, Christopher Nolan, James Cameron), realizes that the most taut of action sequences do not require suspense. The characters would have to be developed in order for thered to be true suspense. But character development is lame! Thankfully, Bay and those crafty screenwriters know this.

They also know that the audience does not like genuine relationships between characters. We don’t want Sam and his girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox) to have a relationship that really means something. Fortunately, the screenwriters only put in a few easily ignorable lines about “true love.” The rest of Sam and Mikaela’s relationship is all based on lust – the way it should be. After all, women should only be seen as pieces of meat and witless dingbats. Thankfully, Bay and his screenwriters share this wonderfully sexist view and use it to great comedic effect in several scenes involving Sam’s dimwit mother and her comsumption of brownies with pot in them

Of course, the mother’s crazy antics aren’t nearly as gut-bustingly funny as the hilarious “twin” robots, who not only talk jive, but also have yellow teeth and openly admit to not being able to read. But, aren’t they adorable? When they triumphantly save the day at the film’s climax, the audience in my theater cheered. That’s right, kiddies! You can save the day too, but only if you conform to the racial stereotypes that society sets for you. This message, along with humping dogs and a guffaw-inducing midget joke, makes “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” excellent, wholesome family entertainment. And that demographic will ensure that the movie becomes a bonafide box office hit.

But, reader, are you naïve enough to think that this movie was only produced to make money? Surely, the quality of the film would suggest otherwise.